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Yesterday was my birthday.  I turned 35.  I cried.  I cried because I wanted to pray and I had no one to pray to, or at least I couldn’t figure out who or how to pray and what would be the point.  You see I have lost my God or the perception I had of who and what God is.  I am in the middle of a transition and transformation and the beliefs I was raised with and wholeheartedly, with every stitch of my being, believed in just don’t make sense anymore.  That road can no longer be the path I must travel.  Right now as my tower of faith and all I believed in crumbles I am left in limbo.  My vision is obscured for the moment by the fog of dust left behind yet to settle and I thus far cannot see the other side.  I must learn patience and faith in that the source of which all is created is pure light and pure love, the source of where all of us come from, until my phoenix rises from the ashes once again.

My first name is Michelle.  I can not at this time divulge my last name though I am quite sure it would not be too difficult to figure out if you really wanted to.  I am not disclosing my full name because my reason for blogging is to document and sort through my thoughts and feelings as I go on this healing journey.  I have a feeling some of these thoughts and feelings may cause challenges and drama in my life such as being completely cutoff from most of my family members and the community I grew up in ( I will explain as my blog develops) as well as impact my practice as an alternative health/healing therapist.  I’m not ready to confront that possibility just yet though I hope one day I will be strong enough to present myself as I am.

So why do this publicly?  My hope is that maybe, just maybe, this will help others who may have some of the same issues and challenges and help all of us not feel so alone and isolated.

The therapist in me feels I need to give fair warning:  this is a place where I come to vent, where sometimes my soul vomits, all of it may not be the most positive thinking or uplifting attitude though I will try to balance it out with positive steps that I am taking to improve and heal my life.   Yes I understand that when you think and speak negatively you attract the negative.   Sometimes though I think you need to purge in order to shift and bring in something of a higher frequency, something positive, shiny and new.  So please do not read if you are trying to avoid the muck we sometimes get stuck in, if you are the type of person who sucks in other people’s crap and holds on to it  rather than being lifted by the eventual healing and flowering of the individual.  You’ve been warned.

May we all have a healing  journey.