I was born on an island and spent the first part of my childhood there. I was surrounded by beautiful beaches, lush green mountains, gorgeous expressions of nature, and lots of family and friends. It was a more simple, yet vibrant, life. Once we moved to the states, we would visit extended amounts of time every couple of years until I became an adult and was living on my own.

Today when I stepped into the shower I caught a slight smell that instantly thrust-ed me back to my homeland. The scent of the water, the feel of the moisture in the air, on my skin, I was home all over again and it made me ponder. What if my dad had not been transferred to the states when I was eight? How would’ve my life unfolded? Who would I be married to now… would I have children…how many? Would I have kept my figure and stayed more active instead of becoming slothful and fat? Would my skin be delightfully kissed by the sun therefore showing more of my heritage? Would I have continued in the religion that has been so heavily imprinted in my family lineage? Would I be/feel happy?  All these possibilities left in an abandoned past.

So then the question arises, is it a complete waste of time and energy, being eternally ungrateful in the present to think about the what ifs, or is it just truly a fascinating exercise, a glimpsing into, in the fashion of Hugh Everett, an alternate universe? It amuses me to think about the possibility of an alternate me in an alternate reality that is living that alternate life back on the island. Has  she eventually also made her way to the states or has she found her success and destiny there?  Does she feel beautiful, powerful, complete?  Has her life unfolded the way she visualized it so long ago?  Or is she wistfully pondering about me?

Here it is, another month beginning as we transition from the sweet coolness of spring air and already delving into the perspiration inducing heat that is a southern summer. I find myself still in limbo between true satisfaction of knowing my true north and where my life path surely is leading me to and the constant pull holding me back in the grips of severe depression, old patterns, and beliefs that no longer serve my purpose.

It is a very lonely place when you are going through chaos and discomfort, especially in the form of severe depression and dis-ease, when you are a practitioner of healing arts and your clients come to you for healing in those very same areas. I feel like I should have it all together if I truly am a professional in such a field. My specialty is clearing away old patterns that hold people back from reaching their highest potential and they look to me for guidance, clarity, and example.  I am good at what I do.  People have discernible, visible, positive results when they come and see me.  Would they still see my value and the value of what I do if I tell the truth, if I come out and  say, “hey I’m sorry I didn’t call you back for a long, inappropriate for a consummate professional, length of time.  I’ve been so depressed that I’m lucky to be able to get out of bed and take care of my kids. Motherhood is really kicking my ass this time and my child who already turned  a year old still wakes up 10 times a night.  I’ve tried working on myself but  I can’t seem to have a break thru using my therapy and tools.  I haven’t been able to go to someone else to work on me either because, oh yeah, btw, I haven’t been able to clear my money and success issues, so I’m really broke.”   I’m sure if I said all that they would be coming to me in droves.

Colbert Life Coach- perfect Simpsons depiction of what I'm talking about if you're a fan

So here I sit in solitude between the brink of despair and one day a possible break through that sticks; hoping for and easy transition between the two like two seasons blending into each other; hoping for cool summer breezes to bring relief and balance to the forging heat of the summer months ahead.  Rise phoenix rise!